How to prepare yourself for finding the one.

I would like to start this post by quoting the fabulous, inspiring Mama Ru: "If you can't love yourself, how in the Hell are you going to love somebody else?"

I'm convinced you are tired of hearing this cliche-looking saying that if you want to find true love, you need to start by loving yourself. Again, I am not any relationship guru, far from it but I would gladly share what works for me if that can slightly benefit even one person in their journey through life or in their search for love.

Let's start a small step in your search by asking the question: do you want to be in relationship? Or do you want to find the person who you will build a future with? Who will be the father of your children - assuming you wish to have children, if not good for you, having children is no must and if you don't wish for one, that is absolutely fine - that you will build a home with and will drill your photos onto the walls of your new home? Take a deep breath and really dig into what I just asked as so often, gorgeous, career-driven, independent women are so desperate to just be in relationship that they would cling onto dear life from the first person that crosses their path and would not let go as the thought of being alone is far scarier than the thought of being in a dull,  meaningless relationship. 

If your answer is the second one, I strongly recommend this book: The Unexpected Joy of Being Single - by Catherine Gray. 

                            

This book is an excellent first exercise to our detox. It stipulates how a woman whose main purpose in life since she was 13 was to be adored by men and who was nothing outside of a relationship hence her sequence of failed relationships that led her to make the unthinkable decision of being single for a whole year. The results were amazing so I cannot stress enough how incredible this book is and what a huge help it was in my personal journey to find true love.

You can find this book on Amazon and I surely think it would be a great way to open your mind towards new possibilities.

Going back to our list, I think that once we embrace our single life, we need to actually learn to lean on ourselves. So often we tend to still hold on to one person who is giving us attention and it is very rare that we are truly single. If you are completely honest to yourself, I would advise you to do an internal search, identifying all of those men who you have in stand by, and say goodbye to them for a while. I remember that during my exploration in the unknown land of singles, I used to have one person who I would so often text. He was very far away, I had no intention to leave my life to be with him, I had no intention to even visit him but I would hold close his sweet words and I'd feed on his infatuation with myself, using that to increase my self-esteem and somehow as a insurance policy that I was still worth it.

www.pexels.com

Let's not lie to ourselves because that is the worst person you can lie to. Only once we have eliminated all bad habits we can truly face the naked reality, get used to it and learn to enjoy it. I would like to make an analogy between having a secret compliment-giver in your detox time is basically like indulging in french fries and cakes while you are on a diet and yet wondering why are there no results? I used to lie to myself so much I gotten tangled between lies and forgot what was the truth and it is not a great place to be. Do not try to heal a broken heart with another love as this would only cure the symptoms and not the cause. Even if you potentially found (like in my case) a great man right after (or in the same time of) your current relationship, give your heart a break and step down for a moment. If that other person is indeed interested in you, will patiently wait and allow you to heal before jumping into a new romance. If he pressures you, it means his intentions are not very pure or simply he is too selfish to think about what you need - in both cases, you did not lose anything if you let him go.

Once you cut off your secret compliment givers, you switched off all your dating apps and websites and officially stopped going to meaningless dates you will be facing the cruel reality of actually being single and it will hit you like a bucket full of iced water. It will be painful and the temptation of going back to your old habits will never be bigger. 

How bad do you want to change? Doing the same things all over again and expecting different results is the actual definition of madness so going back is now no longer an option. Breathe and take it in second by second. Make a list with all of the things you always wanted to do and focus on that. Make another list with all of the thing you'd like to change about yourself and start on that. That should keep you busy for a while.

@thechristinequinn

When you have successfully gone through all of the items on both lists and have now been single for a while (I couldn't give you an exact timeline as it is different from person to person), the best thing to do is make a list of characteristics that you are looking for in a man but be realistic and open-minded. The tall, blonde, athletic, blue-eyed, brain-surgeon with two houses, four cars, who can speak French as well as English and he is a part time salsa instructor does not exist so focus on more important qualities and if you cannot think of anything, just think what is a deal breaker for you and do not let go of that under no circumstances. Do not let yourself be deceived by appearance as so often men who don't look like too much have turned out to be the greatest boyfriends, husbands and than fathers so give everybody a chance.

You got it? Do you have a rough picture of what are you looking for? Then you are ready to start dating again and when you are finally at that date, do not try to hard. Do not wear excessive makeup or perfume, revealing clothes or try to identify what he likes and become that. Be your true self and analyse him. Make sure he is what you actually want and if it doesn't work out don't throw yourself at a box of fried chicken and fall back into old habits. Be happy that you had the chance to do it and above everything, be happy that your perfect man is still out there and that your new, improved you, will not settle for anything less than what she deserves.

Love, 

Emma.