How do I behave at first dates?

I definitely cannot speak for everybody but when it comes to myself, I remember vividly having a time of my life where going on first dates, or anything that would resemble one - would be an incredible struggle. From what was I supposed to wear to what am I supposed to say or eat, all these question would float in my head before, during and long after the date was over.

A few years ago I was asked out by one of the guys I used to go riding with. I have somehow always been interested in him due to this mysterious vibe he would give as well as his good looks. Being around that world a lot, I also felt lucky to be asked out by him as it wasn't necessarily something he'd often be doing so to me, it overwhelmed me with this deep feeling of gratefulness as if he was doing me an honor to notice me.

The day has finally arrived and I basically spent the whole morning using face masks, anti-dark circles products, washed and curled my hair and wear a full face of make-up as well a very high an uncomfortable high heels which made me walk a bit funny as I was in a lot of pain.

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He suggested to go to a nearby restaurant and to be frank, I don't even remember if I ate or not but I sure remember ordering still water with lemon as I wanted him to think I was really into dieting and watching what I was putting in my mouth even though at the time I would have wanted a cocktail. I wasn't even listening to what he was telling me because I was too busy analysing and assuming what he would like me to say and doing my very best to do exactly that. It's like I didn't even care about getting to know him because I was so stressed and so eager to become what I thought he would like. I spent the night pretending to be into whatever he was into, laughing at every joke he made and constantly obsessing that every single hair is in place, I have a great posture and I use a close to academic language so I can show him how smart I really am.

Needless to say he never called again and he would actively avoid me when we ran into each other in the future and I couldn't understand why.

Having gone through so many changes in the past few years, had me completely understand what I did wrong and I am so eager to share this with the world. Ladies and gentleman, regardless of your gender, preferences or orientation, I would like to say that trying too hard is never the answer.

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I cannot emphasise enough how redundant trying too hard actually is and how it almost never shows any true results. Pretending to be something you are not can only hold for so long and when you take off all of your masks, chances are that you won't even recognise yourself.

I truly understand that sometimes we don't like our real persona so that is why we try to be somebody else when we go out on dates but that is not the healthy way to go about it. Remember that if you don't love yourself, you cannot expect others to love you and when you are in a low point of your life, the chances that you will do something you could regret are bigger than ever so if you actually don't like what stares back at you from the mirror, take a break. I get that the loneliness can sometimes overwhelm you but just think about it this way: You want to win a medal in a sports! You trained a bit but you are nowhere near ready to compete, would you still sign up hoping that through a miracle you will win the medal or you will wait until you are fully ready? If the answer is wait, than do that in your love life as well.

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Concentrating on weather the other person likes us or not is a sign of deep buried insecurity and we should work on that before we go and try to find a partner. Often we are so preoccupied of weather the other person fancies us that we don't even think about weather we like them. 

If I would have stopped for only one second that night and actually listen to that guy, I would have noticed how self-absorbed he really was, how he was deeply suffering from the artist syndrome and although per total he is a great guy, he definitely was not the guy for me so the fact that he never called me again was actually for the best. If I knew that then I would have not been so hurt to see he suddenly started avoiding me. I would have not assumed it was because I was poor and he came from a wealthy family or even maybe, if I would have actually been myself, he would have liked me, he would have asked for a second date and I would have slowly discovered he was not as self-absorbed as I thought he was. 

You see, what I did that night created a spiral of events that basically buried me and I had to work so hard to ever see the surface again. He did not like me and that made my insecurities even stronger which would show even more. When I went to the next date, the next guy would sense my insecurities and would not be interested which would then make me question myself even more and this had gone on for quite some time. I started to believe I was unworthy of love and when somebody finally showed interest in me, I would treat them as a God and tolerate behaviours I would have never tolerated normally. Do you see how toxic that was for me?

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Part of my healing process was to fully understand myself. What was it that I was looking for. Only when I truly understood my deepest fears and accepted them, I was capable of moving on and finding true love. Only when I was ready to accept I was worthy of love and I did not have to lower my standards for anybody, I was able to sustain a healthy relationship and capable of going on dates and pay attention to the person in front of me. I would no longer accept a kiss or a to be touched if I was not really into it I would realise that roughly 80% of the times I had no interest in the guy whatsoever and there was nothing wrong with it. I made some great friends along the way which I am thankful for.

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To answer the question of this article: how do I behave at first dates? Well like myself. You are not lucy that the other person has made time for you, so stop acting like they are doing you an honor. Stop focusing on weather they are into you and really observe them and decide whether you are into them. Look beyond the potential good looks or nice voices and actually ask questions, get to know them and if the answer is honestly yes, then just be yourself. People sense when you are wearing a mask and so often will back off as they don't know why you're wearing one and get scared of what could hide behind it. 

Wear not more, nor less than what you would wear if you would see your friend and don't hesitate to order exactly what you feel like ordering. Don't pretend to count carbohydrates as so many times men actually despise women who count calories every time they have a bite of something. Even if you are a fitness freak and would normally count calories, try not do it. They don't need to know all of your habits on your first dates and don't disclose too much. Remember we all like a bit of mystery so just pretend you are a spy. Try to find out as much as possible while disclosing as little as possible. I know it's hard as we all enjoy talking about ourselves, but in my experience, this attitude is always helpful. Why would I share personal information to somebody I'm not even sure I like yet?

Hope this helps,

Love, 

Emma.