Can the illusion of eternal love prevent you from seeing a malicious relationship?

Due to my work and type of job I get to travel quite a bit so a few years ago, my steps led me into an encountering with an old boyfriend for lunch in one of the cities I visited.

Just so I clear all possible occurred questions - old boyfriend in this story means a relationship I had when I was 14. It was indeed a consuming, passionate and life-changing experience of my first love but it was platonic and way before we even knew what sex was.

I loved that boy when I was young and I loved him for a long time, building in my head this false image of him, putting him on a pedestal and clinging of every whisper of love he had ever given me. And the suffering? Was torture. At an age of firsts it is utterly problematic to find a way to cope with your emotions. So I would always get on the rather redundant emotional rollercoaster that my off and on relationship with this boy was at that time, every time hoping it will be different. I couldn't say I was emotionally scared or traumatised by this, far from it. I enjoyed the ups and downs of a teenage love and when it was time to leave the park, although hesitant and kind of wishing I would still come back one day, I left and got on with my life.

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Interesting enough this guy has not changed since we were children. He's got this mysterious way about him. When he loves a woman he devastates her, he leaves her powerless, out of control and craving for more. Since him and I were close even after our relationship ended for good, I would always observe from distance his pattern of conquests and how his victims were left lifeless, like an isolated island scorched by wildfire that is now turned into ashes. 

It was always the same type of women, the same scenario, as he was never the guy to back off from showering you with promises of a lifetime, talking about forever and when you are 15 and in love, this is all you want to hear.

He is not even the villain in their story, because when he conquests his partners with meaningless promises he actually means them. He infatuates so easily and just as easily he loses interest so during the happy days, he would promise the moon, would pledge undying love and swears on marrying you and then slowly he gets cold as his interest decreases and backs off. In some cases he even gets weirded out of how strong your emotions are and how easy you plan for the future - is like his mind restarts and he utterly forgets the promises he made. The woman's self esteem drops dramatically and she is left questioning herself, he takes chunks of her soul with every rejection and when she reaches her lower - she would leave. Most of the times he would just move along to his next victim and the ex would sink even lower as she is now wondering if she was not good enough for him.

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So there I was purposely putting myself through an emotional Russian Roulette for the old times sake. I did feel strong enough that his poisonous hexes could not touch me.

Needless to say we were both in relationships at that time, both in our very early 20s and I guess both  equally eager for a gasp from the old memory jar. 

The summer days were doing him even more justice, he had always been good looking, like a modern days Adonis with a sculpture-like body, tall and with a smile that would reflect the sun itself. As he saw me his face brighten up visibly and within a few steps, he stood already in front of me and with only one movement he had lift me up from the ground in a strong yet unfamiliar embrace. I don't even remember if I hugged him back - it was a kind of Carrie and Aidan in Dubai type of encountering but I knew that the second I lost touch with the ground, I lost my anchor to the reality and allowed myself to be dragged into the endless slide of What if's? and Maybe this time's. 

Not long after, we sat at a close by cafe and ordered our drinks, his typical conquistador attitude started to surface and he started showering me with compliments. I immediately recognised the behaviour and took a step back - quite physically, as when we got to the coffee place we both sat next to each other so our skin could actually touch. We both could smell each other's fragrances and feed with our presences. At that moment we thoroughly forgot everything around us.

Why did I take a step back? Because I recognised how weak I was in that moment. I was in a happy relationship with somebody I met at University and I was about to get swiped off my feet again by somebody who I was conscious means nothing but trouble and who by all means, lived hundred of miles away from myself. For a split second there I was ready to give up all the great things I had achieved to that date if he was to ask me to run away with him.

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So when I felt the situation was unbearable and his charms were penetrating shields, I told him I had to go, so I walked away. Why? Because it was toxic. 

Why do we let ourselves dragged in toxic situations when they come to us disguised as our greatest love? Is it the need for excitement in our lives? Because my current boyfriend was an average student, with a average body while my formal great love was a surfer/biker/scuba diver who traveled the world, would drive a modern, out of patterns car and fed me the illusion that by his side, I would live a life of never ending adventure? Maybe. But that was a deceiving image of him that did not exist in real life. In reality, haven't I chosen to walk away when I felt overwhelmed by his presence and my thoughts about him - I would have perhaps spend the night with him and not only wreck my innocent memory of a childhood love story, but my current relationship and hurt two people that hadn't done anything wrong. We would have talked for a while - maybe his interest in me would last a bit longer as I was away from him so that feeling of not having me would make him stay present more. If we should have made the effort of moving in the same city so we could be together - his excitement will slowly fade away as I would no longer be unobtainable and he would get bored and look for the thrill elsewhere leaving me wrecked, empty and having given up everything for a relationship that was doomed to begin with.

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This time will be different is a lie we constantly tell ourselves so we can make treasury more bearable.  So the cold shower of reality does not cut through our flesh so mercilessly.  

Why do we cling so deep on the hope that this time it might be different? Have I not witnessed with my own eyes the destruction he causes to women that love him? That his habits were the exact same and the outcome never changes? Why was there still a part of me hoping for a different outcome this time?

I sat with myself and answer those questions one by one and maybe this will help you as well. We cling from the past because it's familiar. Because that way I felt when I was a teenager was a great way to feel about somebody. Butterflies, shivers down my spine and a whole world of colours and experiences that I did not live before. Of course I wanted to relive that moment like an addict who would like that euphoria caused by the drug he is injecting, disregarding how bad it is for him. Those few seconds of ecstatic pleasure are worth the hours of agony. But were they worth to me? Absolutely not - hence why I walked away.

Why did I still feel my knees growing weak with every step I took towards him even after all these years? It was not him - it was myself re-living beautiful moments of my childhood.

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We will often come across multiple devils disguised as angels and it will be so easy for us to fall in their traps. I did so myself, countless times I felt head over heals even though the red flags were there all along and everybody could see them but myself. 

I am stronger now and learned from my experiences and will not allow anybody to walk all over me because I am thirsty for love. Don't rush to blame the other person and don't start putting labels on people as toxic as so often they don't mean to be hurtful nor do they realise they are cancerous and ultimately, is not their job to protect you. Don't allow anybody to posses you 

Personally, i'll try as hard as I can to not repeat the past mistakes and to build a future from the ashes left by ex great loves, toxic friendships and difficult situations.

I advice you to do the same,

Love,

Emma