What others think of you is entirely their business

The first time it occurred I was not older than 14. My mother tends to be the type of person that uses words as weapons when she feels attacked, mostly when she knows she is guilty.

So every time she had to face the truth, she'd try putting the blame on me. She'd build a wall of defences by throwing back venom at me such as: "you're a horrible person", "nobody will every love you".

Source: www.pexels.com

I have always been a strong person. And I wouldn't allow my mum's words get to me. Nevertheless it hurt. That did not mean that was the truth. 

Almost 15 years later, I am in a prosperous, fantastic relationship with a great man. Of course I had my fair share of fails but that does not mean I am a horrible person, nor that I am to blame for my love stories came to an end, not in the slightest, I have always done my best and if it didn't work out, I let it go. I am enough for myself, so if a relationship should not be destined to last and I know I did everything in my power, then it was not meant to be. My current partner made me understand why my other relationships ended - because I was destined for greatness in my love live.

Anyway, today, after she implied I was to blame for the fact that my sister refuses to be part of my life, as a consequence of some hurtful things I said to her when I was 14, I tried to justify to her that, well, I was 14. I had no idea what I was saying and the fact that my mum had constantly made me take her with me anywhere I'd go, made me resent her hence why I sometimes was spiteful towards her.

Source of photo: www.pexels.com

Do I regret having said all of those things? Of course! Do I think I should let my sister walk all over me and make the main purpose of my life serving her so she can forgive the 14 years old me for telling her that I hated her when my mum was forcing her on me like a never ending nightmare which lead to my friends avoiding to invite me to gatherings due to the fact that I was the one who had to bring her baby sister along.

So who is to blame?

My mum for forcing a 14 years old to ditch her 14 years old boyfriend/love of her life so she can take care of her 10 years old - perfectly capable of taking care of her self sister? Maybe. But what is done is done. There's no way to go back in time to fix the mistakes my mother makes and she will never accept that she and my father were to blame. I will actually touch this subject on another post. 

My sister for holding on to something I have done to her 14 years ago and allowing my dreadful words to stay with her for so long and become part of who she is now? Absolutely.

So often we let our parent's words define us that lose ourselves between all this interpretations of us. And because my sister was young and impressionable she let my words hurt her and that is understandable - what could she have done at that age? She was a lost child who's big sister was obnoxious to for no apparent reason - of course she thought there was something wrong with her. And I feel dreadful about it but what can I do now? I'm not going to dedicate my life trying to make it up to her because I was a did not know any better. 

Have I tried to apologise to her? Multiple times. Have I tried to help, support and love her now so she can see what a great person she is and that my words were redundant? Every day. Did she forgive me? No. 

I cannot help but wonder why do people hold on to the past so much? Why don't they realise that if you live in the past, you cannot live in the present and some person's view does not write you. Some people think Pablo Escobar was a great example, other think he was a monster? Does that make Pablo a monster or an example? None of the above. People's interpretations of us don't mean anything even less do they say what are we ought to be.

Source of photo: www.pexels.com

I was bullied most of my high-school and university years and there was a main group of girls who always made fun of me and with whom I'd never resonate. They are all now in mediocre jobs, doing nothing for themselves. Was this my loss? Absolutely not. Did I allow their opinion to stick with me? Hell no. I never have and I never will.

So stop letting people build you up like a lego game. You are no one's object to label. Not even your mother's, your siblings or your spouse's.

Forgive people if they have wronged, not for them, but for you. Holding on to old grudges and gasping for what could have been is septic. Will eat you a live like a rotten fruit eats the healthy ones it the basket.

Source of photo: pexels.com

Do not allow people to walk all over you either. If you are the one who bears the blame - apologise. From the bottom of your heart and in the most outspoken way. And if that is not enough, then it is no longer your concern. If they should never let go, accept that as well. Make peace with the fact that some are not capable of releasing their anger and that is not on you. Don't grant them permission to use an old bitterness as a tool for blackmail and to turn your own feelings of guilt against you.

You are the most important person of your life so let go of the past and focus on the future. You will be astonished of how much peace you will find once you stop letting others tell you who you are and how you'll start letting in people that really matter.