When loneliness hits...

Last night I spent a wonderful time surrounded by friends whom I deeply care for. Among them, there were multiple thriving couples as well as a bunch of single women and my analytic thinking hit me that very moment. There are two ways to be single and in either of them, you have moments where loneliness hits you.

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Of course that had made me take a step back and thank God and the Universe for the wonderful, profound relationship I am in and that in a chaotic world I managed to find my man but the altogether unsettling vibe of sadness and loneliness was thicker than normal in a event of such type, or at least that was my impression.

So my next question is what to do when loneliness hits you? As it probably will, regardless of how positive you generally are and how happy in your single life. My mum gets lonely often even though she is the most independent, strong and happy to be on her own person I ever met so understandably a lot of single people out there can relate to her.

In my early twenties I moved to a great little town in England and I soon made amazing friends which definitely helps fight the feeling of isolation or sadness that filled me up sometimes. Often I would make sure my agenda is quite packed so I would not have too much time to be by myself and contemplate the lack of a man in my life and to be honest for me it never really was a constant issue. I was always happy to be by myself but that doesn't mean I didn't wish for a healthy relationship with all my heart, but then again, I wish to win the lottery with the same intensity, that doesn't mean that if that doesn't happen my life will be a never ending pity party.

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I would often sit there in my studio thinking how much I would love to have somebody to talk to but above everything somebody to cuddle me. Us women don't miss sex that much but we do desire human touch, interaction, being cuddled and hugged, kissed on the forehead which is why we often use sex to create intimacy.

Avoidance is definitely not the secret especially if that feeling of alienation tends to become overwhelming or it starts to become a state of mind as opposed to something you experience once in a while (if that is your case, please reach out to people or maybe seek professional help - sometimes you just need to pour out your soul). Exhausting yourself in redundant social events just so you don't ought to feel the cold reality of your four walls wrapping around you, is not the solution so I have always avoided too extreme schedules as I liked being by myself. I wouldn't allow that to become unbearable just as I would never allow myself to become a burden to my friends as I would need one of them around me at any awake moment.

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My secret to killing loneliness were my male friends and here is the recipe: 

First you identify your whole lot of male friends. The most important part is to be completely honest with yourself regarding your feelings towards this person. Do you find them attractive? Perhaps. I find most of my male friends objectively attractive but that does not mean I'm even slightly attracted to them. The bare thought feels incestuous to me and that is how it should be. The important part is that you are not attracted to them even remotely. That you don't secretly wish that could turn into more than friendship or that you could never ever see yourself as more than his friend.

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Is the list ready? Great. Now from that list, select only the ones whose intention towards you are pure. There are two type of male friends: the ones who are genuinely your friends and the ones who are your friends but secretly hope to sleep with you - persons as such don't make the cut as they will not be able to be truly helpful and there is a risk they could take advantage of one moment of weakness.

You should now be left with only a few people or even one single person which is amazing. In my case there were three or four but I would have each one for a different reason. Again, I am not saying that this should work for you and that you should utterly depend on your male friends every single time you are feeling lonely but this could prevent you from making a mistake of sleeping with the wrong guy - remember: us women don't really need sex, we can do just find without it but we sometimes tell ourselves is the sex that we need so we can have the excuse of a fling even though we are truthfully looking for love. 

Once my list was ready I started to reach out to my friends in moments of loneliness and I had one placed in strategic places so I would basically always be covered.

For example: We would go out a lot and dance. Seemingly most dances, especially in my circle would be sensual dances who require two people so very often I would be around couples who dance together and I was left by myself alongside other single women and in those moments the sadness would hit a little so I stopped being sad and I analised my options. 

If possible, I would dance with a friend of a friend, a brother or somebody else but as I was vulnerable that could easily attract an unwanted start of a fling and as too little romances ever start in a nightclub, I would keep myself safe by always dancing with my wonderful male friend who also happen to work at the same place and that was his actual job. He knew what dances are important to me and him - being an absolut angel - would always have my back when a slow song would come. That was it - problem solved.

What about the nights? When you come back to a cold bed and you just need to feel somebody else's heart beat? I couldn't ask the same friend to be that as he is happily married and that would be completely inappropriate so I found a single friend who was just as in need for human contact as I was and he became my cuddling buddy. We have never been even remotely attracted to each other but he would often come over for movie night and we would cuddle up on the sofa and quite a few times he even stayed over. There were less than zero chances of us making a mistake as we were simply not able to see each other in a sexual way so it was safe. We would both get our portion of human interaction and would get back to our lives.

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@Andrea Piacqadio

I am not stating that this is a replacement for a real, meaningful relationship and finding that one person that you can do all of this with is truly magical - I am just saying that instead of allowing your vulnerability to rule and perhaps lead you into series of one night stands or getting tangled with the wrong guy, is a way to make sure you satisfy your needs and be happy. Finding true love is less likely if you are an immense pile of neediness and sadness. People tend to be attracted to healthy people and if those aspects of your life are taken care of you increase your chances of finding a right match (and when you do, please apologise to your cuddling buddies but perhaps stop having male friends sleeping over as that could be a huge deal breaker). However, don't dispose of your friends as if they were just objects that no longer have a purpose in your life. Explain to them that you are now with somebody and if they are truthfully friends and you made sure of it, they would understand why some things are now off the table and the other way around. If - your cuddle-buddy starts seeing somebody respect his space and the boundaries. For all of this to go smoothly you need to make sure you have wisely chosen your male friends.

Don't forget to also be there for your friends when they feel lonely even if you are in a happy place. Do not use people only when it's suitable for you and whatever you are asking for, be sure you are ready to offer back otherwise you will end up losing your friends. If you feel you are too vulnerable and any situations like this would make more harm than good just don't. I am not saying this is the best thing to do but I am saying it worked for me.

My male friends taught me so much I could never thank them enough. They taught me who I need to stay away from as well as how a man should treat me. What should I expect from a date and what is acceptable in a man's behaviour and what isn't. Sometimes, even without them knowing they helped me build my confidence, inner power and self esteem and their way of behaving helped me so much in my journey of finding who I really am. There is nothing more healthy than having a true male friend in your life that will help you decide how you want your future relationship to be like.

Kill loneliness just as you see fit, but make sure you're doing it in a healthy way. Throwing yourself in a endless series of one night stands and mistaken men's lust true intentions is not the way to be single and is not even going to do any good, but burn deeper in your soul.

If you are indeed able to have meaningless sex - good for you. Do it! But remember that meaningless sex does not mean sleeping over, cuddling and cooking him breakfast. It means see - have - leave. If you find yourself secretly hoping for that you are already lying to yourself - don't lower your standards to find love because a man who has potential of being the one, will never ask you to.

Hope this helps,

Love,

Emma.